Daddy's girl
As I was getting ready for my day of work today, mind you it was 5:00 pm, I was listening to Christmas music. And it popped into my head how the first year after my dad died I couldn't listen to Christmas music. It was the hardest thing for me. It reminded me of him, it made me sad, it literally tore my heart out. It felt like someone had stabbed my heart out.
I remember specifically I was so excited to listen to Christmas music (because if you know me, I am ALL ABOUT IT). I started playing it in the living room and as soon as I did I sat against the wall and bawled my eyes out. Almost to the point of hyperventilating. I texted my mom and was just like how am I going to do this? I couldn't remember what she said, or what I even said after all of that, I just remember thinking - will Christmas music forever be ruined?
My dad was found dead on December 17th and his funeral was December 26th. It was right around the holidays, obviously. That being said, that always seems to make it harder. So anyway, one thing I remember, is when my parents were married, they would make us go to church in the morning (yes, before presents) it was the WORST. We would always go look at Christmas lights the night before. Other things we would do would be special German dishes for Christmas Eve (yummy!) And Dad would always listen to Christmas music. One of his favorites (that I remember) was Silent Night by Neil Diamond. So when this all happened, that CD being my favorite, thats the one I played. Dad would always sing to it, it was a family favorite.
FYI I am able to listen to Christmas music and enjoy the holidays.
When Dad died, it was right before my 16th birthday. It was something that I figured would happen, but something you don't really expect to happen right then. I knew he was an alcoholic and was struggling, but at the same time, I had said everything I could at that point. I had been angry, been mad, been sad, it wasn't helpful.
I had a very fun childhood. I mean I still do -- because lets be real I am still a child. But my parents did a great job at making sure my life was fun. Whether it was jumping on a blown up water bed liner, to a balloon launcher or potato launcher, you name it, we probably did something like it. So as I was growing up in my teens, I was very angry at him, before he died and after.
After he died, I was mad he died. I was mad he didn't get help, that he didn't want to get better. I was mad he wouldn't be at my wedding (walk my down the aisle or the first dance), wouldn't meet my husband, or my kids. He wasn't there when I got my drivers license, or graduated high school, went to college, graduated college, became a nurse, bought my first house.
Especially right after he passed away there was a lot that I missed about him. And don't get me wrong, there still is a lot that I miss about him now: his blue eyes, his long brown hair, his very contagious laugh, his goofiness.
I could even tell you specifics about his funeral. Thats how engraved it is in my head. I remember how strong my brother was through it all, even though he just lost his dad too. He was strong for me. I wish I would have been stronger for him. I remember bawling my eyes out, and hugging him because he and my mom were my home. I think that's the first time I've seen my brother as an adult cry.
As I decided to write this post about my dad, I reread what I wrote when it all first happened and years later. To me it was kind of embarrassing to read because I said a lot of the same things, and it kind of seemed childish - but damn, I was a child. However, there were things that were said multiple times. I miss him, I love him, it's hard, I'm grateful for my friends/family, I'm upset that he missed out and will miss out on things, and I miss a lot about him.
It's weird, I don't let myself think too in-depth about him anymore, mostly because I don't think it benefits me anymore. I did do that in therapy. I learned that even though my childhood with my dad felt normal to me it definitely wasn't. And I knew that without actually knowing it. I walked on eggshells around him, because I didn't want to get in trouble or get yelled at. I don't want to hold all the negative shit he did or said against him anymore, and I think thats why I don't like to think about it anymore. Partially, I think thats why this is hard for me to write as well, I don't want you all (you know my millions of followers haha) to get the wrong idea of my dad either, I'm almost protective of him. Yes, I do think the negative things really impacted me the worst and I have some big time issues because of it, but it wasn't all bad. He doesn't need to be remembered that way, not anymore. It's more of a conflict for me, I want to be completely vulnerable and honest but I do have that protectiveness. I actually believe that was my biggest challenge in counseling too. WOW guys, look at all that unwrapping I just did. OOOOOOFTA. Did you follow all of that?
As a daughter of an alcoholic dad, I definitely went through or have what is called "fear of abandonment." Disclaimer the following of this paragraph is from multiple websites but it's 2:00 am and I don't feel like siting them (and a lot of bed alarms and video monitoring alarms are going off) It (being suffering from 'fear of abandonment') may impact how a person’s relationships develop. They worry they’ll be rejected by peers, partners, schools, companies, or entire social circles. For many others, these fears aren’t fully realized until they enter into a romantic relationship. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden, they feel inundated with insecurity and dread that their partner will distance themselves, ignore, or leave them. Some characteristics that I found I have that are what some who has "fear of abandonment" experience are : You are quick to attach, even to unavailable partners or relationships.You may be quick to move on just to ensure that you don't get too attached. Once in a relationship, you stay, no matter how unhealthy the relationship is.You feel insecure and unworthy of love. Feelings of general anxiety and depression are very common to you. You tend to overthink things and work hard to figure out the hidden meaning in everything. You are hypersensitive to criticism. Self-blame is common for you.
With all those things said, I had to work through all of those things in counseling. Apparently this all came from my dad. I'm not sure what part. It could have come from losing my dad, or from having to walk on egg shells. I do remember that my mom and brother would be at tutoring and I would sit on my couch (the wrong way, the back was toward the window) and watch out the window crying because I was so scared and anxious -- again almost hyperventaling -- that they wouldn't come home. I was in elementary school. No kid should have those fears at that age, but I did. I don't know where those came from. I definitely had separation issues from my mom, whether that is from having issues with my dad or not, I don't think I will ever have the answer, nor do I really need to know. I was unable to make it through sleepovers, I couldn't handle the anxiety with being away from my mom. In 6th grade the school I went to would go to Wolfe Ridge for a week, I could not go unless my mom went, luckily my brother was able to stay with my neighbors (because he didn't have these anxieties) and she came with. Even when I was 18 and was going off to college, when she moved me in, it was hard to let her leave.
My thoughts are definitely all over the place now, so I am going to stop. I think I have gone into a lot of detail, which I wanted to. And I am happy with where this went. Eventually I will bring this fear of abandonment into how it's affected me with relationships and boy...is that a big deal. I have touched on it slightly, but it's definitely a whole different ball park.
xoxo
breezy
I remember specifically I was so excited to listen to Christmas music (because if you know me, I am ALL ABOUT IT). I started playing it in the living room and as soon as I did I sat against the wall and bawled my eyes out. Almost to the point of hyperventilating. I texted my mom and was just like how am I going to do this? I couldn't remember what she said, or what I even said after all of that, I just remember thinking - will Christmas music forever be ruined?
My dad was found dead on December 17th and his funeral was December 26th. It was right around the holidays, obviously. That being said, that always seems to make it harder. So anyway, one thing I remember, is when my parents were married, they would make us go to church in the morning (yes, before presents) it was the WORST. We would always go look at Christmas lights the night before. Other things we would do would be special German dishes for Christmas Eve (yummy!) And Dad would always listen to Christmas music. One of his favorites (that I remember) was Silent Night by Neil Diamond. So when this all happened, that CD being my favorite, thats the one I played. Dad would always sing to it, it was a family favorite.
FYI I am able to listen to Christmas music and enjoy the holidays.
When Dad died, it was right before my 16th birthday. It was something that I figured would happen, but something you don't really expect to happen right then. I knew he was an alcoholic and was struggling, but at the same time, I had said everything I could at that point. I had been angry, been mad, been sad, it wasn't helpful.
I had a very fun childhood. I mean I still do -- because lets be real I am still a child. But my parents did a great job at making sure my life was fun. Whether it was jumping on a blown up water bed liner, to a balloon launcher or potato launcher, you name it, we probably did something like it. So as I was growing up in my teens, I was very angry at him, before he died and after.
After he died, I was mad he died. I was mad he didn't get help, that he didn't want to get better. I was mad he wouldn't be at my wedding (walk my down the aisle or the first dance), wouldn't meet my husband, or my kids. He wasn't there when I got my drivers license, or graduated high school, went to college, graduated college, became a nurse, bought my first house.
Especially right after he passed away there was a lot that I missed about him. And don't get me wrong, there still is a lot that I miss about him now: his blue eyes, his long brown hair, his very contagious laugh, his goofiness.
I could even tell you specifics about his funeral. Thats how engraved it is in my head. I remember how strong my brother was through it all, even though he just lost his dad too. He was strong for me. I wish I would have been stronger for him. I remember bawling my eyes out, and hugging him because he and my mom were my home. I think that's the first time I've seen my brother as an adult cry.
As I decided to write this post about my dad, I reread what I wrote when it all first happened and years later. To me it was kind of embarrassing to read because I said a lot of the same things, and it kind of seemed childish - but damn, I was a child. However, there were things that were said multiple times. I miss him, I love him, it's hard, I'm grateful for my friends/family, I'm upset that he missed out and will miss out on things, and I miss a lot about him.
It's weird, I don't let myself think too in-depth about him anymore, mostly because I don't think it benefits me anymore. I did do that in therapy. I learned that even though my childhood with my dad felt normal to me it definitely wasn't. And I knew that without actually knowing it. I walked on eggshells around him, because I didn't want to get in trouble or get yelled at. I don't want to hold all the negative shit he did or said against him anymore, and I think thats why I don't like to think about it anymore. Partially, I think thats why this is hard for me to write as well, I don't want you all (you know my millions of followers haha) to get the wrong idea of my dad either, I'm almost protective of him. Yes, I do think the negative things really impacted me the worst and I have some big time issues because of it, but it wasn't all bad. He doesn't need to be remembered that way, not anymore. It's more of a conflict for me, I want to be completely vulnerable and honest but I do have that protectiveness. I actually believe that was my biggest challenge in counseling too. WOW guys, look at all that unwrapping I just did. OOOOOOFTA. Did you follow all of that?
As a daughter of an alcoholic dad, I definitely went through or have what is called "fear of abandonment." Disclaimer the following of this paragraph is from multiple websites but it's 2:00 am and I don't feel like siting them (and a lot of bed alarms and video monitoring alarms are going off) It (being suffering from 'fear of abandonment') may impact how a person’s relationships develop. They worry they’ll be rejected by peers, partners, schools, companies, or entire social circles. For many others, these fears aren’t fully realized until they enter into a romantic relationship. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden, they feel inundated with insecurity and dread that their partner will distance themselves, ignore, or leave them. Some characteristics that I found I have that are what some who has "fear of abandonment" experience are : You are quick to attach, even to unavailable partners or relationships.You may be quick to move on just to ensure that you don't get too attached. Once in a relationship, you stay, no matter how unhealthy the relationship is.You feel insecure and unworthy of love. Feelings of general anxiety and depression are very common to you. You tend to overthink things and work hard to figure out the hidden meaning in everything. You are hypersensitive to criticism. Self-blame is common for you.
With all those things said, I had to work through all of those things in counseling. Apparently this all came from my dad. I'm not sure what part. It could have come from losing my dad, or from having to walk on egg shells. I do remember that my mom and brother would be at tutoring and I would sit on my couch (the wrong way, the back was toward the window) and watch out the window crying because I was so scared and anxious -- again almost hyperventaling -- that they wouldn't come home. I was in elementary school. No kid should have those fears at that age, but I did. I don't know where those came from. I definitely had separation issues from my mom, whether that is from having issues with my dad or not, I don't think I will ever have the answer, nor do I really need to know. I was unable to make it through sleepovers, I couldn't handle the anxiety with being away from my mom. In 6th grade the school I went to would go to Wolfe Ridge for a week, I could not go unless my mom went, luckily my brother was able to stay with my neighbors (because he didn't have these anxieties) and she came with. Even when I was 18 and was going off to college, when she moved me in, it was hard to let her leave.
My thoughts are definitely all over the place now, so I am going to stop. I think I have gone into a lot of detail, which I wanted to. And I am happy with where this went. Eventually I will bring this fear of abandonment into how it's affected me with relationships and boy...is that a big deal. I have touched on it slightly, but it's definitely a whole different ball park.
xoxo
breezy
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