Isolation and Insecurities

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This pandemic has brought upon us a lot of struggle. Not only with new changes with work, things closed down, losing jobs, wearing masks, etc, but emotionally and mentally. The things that we as humans don't like to talk about. Or at least most of us. 

I know I have struggled, and I can't even put a finger on it. At the beginning I was anxious. Anxious of the unknowns and family and friends getting sick. Anxious of work and how that would change. Weeks ago while the stay at home order was in full effect I was lonely possibly depressed and not motivated. It seemed to get better as the weather got better. 

Through zoom conversations and facetimes I stayed connected with loved ones and friends. I had some friends ask me if I was okay. I knew what they were talking about. I wasn't as vocal as I typically am. I'm not sure why. I still feel like I'm not as talkative as I normally am, at least in person. 

I felt as maybe I just don't have anything to say? My life isn't exciting. I go to work and I come home. I don't have a significant other nor kids. My life hasn't changed much other than what has happened at work. All my friends have significant others or kids or they don't live alone like myself. 

However, maybe I just feel blah. Not significant. Not important. Maybe even forgotten? 

I'm unsure how to feel. Part of me feels like this whole Covid thing has changed things significantly. Like I've lost touch with some people and friends that I normally wouldn't, but that I was the one putting the effort in. Which is painful. I know I haven't been the best friend in this situation because of this - I have been hard to reach. Maybe it's me just feeling insecure, maybe I feel like I'm losing friends for some reason. But maybe thats on me and my internal struggles than what my friends are doing or saying.

I definitely think that since the pandemic I have become more insecure with myself. I don't know if it's physical stuff like weight which I haven't actually gained weight but feel like I have, or maybe it's my acne from stress and wearing a mask all the time at work, but I just feel very insecure, like I am not worth it. If you've read my blogs before this is much what I struggled with before, why I went to counseling, etc. I have been very content, until this pandemic. Obviously, with some bad days. Maybe it's from the isolation. Or from the lack of being around friends and then the fact that I'm not as talkative around friends, which I thought maybe was because of insecurity, which it could be. Maybe because with some friends I feel like I have to put the effort in?  Maybe thats because they all have other people in their lives, like their significant others, and I don't. 

It has been a struggle. It still is. I doubt I'm alone in this. 

xoxo, breezy

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